Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
