all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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