every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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