i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
