Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
