Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
