you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
