I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
