He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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