you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
