I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
