i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
