She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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