Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
