Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
