I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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