"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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