I heard we made out
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize