john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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