Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
