If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
