your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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