Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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