Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
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I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
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HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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