I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
