you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
