Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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