i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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