i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
please come you make the beer taste better
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
