My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
