it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
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Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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