: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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