We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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