pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
