did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
