Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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