Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
