my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
