what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
