If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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