Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
