what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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