so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
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He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
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Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize