is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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