The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
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I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
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he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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