So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
