I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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