I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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