I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
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