i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Randomize
