I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
