I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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