tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
i black out too much to be "responsible"
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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