dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
