they need to just BURY HIM!
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
