Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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