i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
