in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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