So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
