Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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