the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
