I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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