Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
