I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
This house was built for laser tag.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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